Life has not felt very easy lately. The house has felt busy every day and at times it has been difficult to entertain the girls, especially through the dreary, wet days of August. My eldest daughter has a childminder but he doesn’t work during the school holidays, and my youngest daughter does not have a place there until next month. I have found myself craving silence and time alone; more so than usual.
Since becoming a mother in 2014 I have enjoyed motherhood more than I realised I would, and staying at home with my children has felt like a privilege. I have been very lucky that I have found a level of patience within me that I didn’t know I had, and a method of drowning out the monotony whilst enjoying the wonderful moments. There really have been great days lately; trips to the beach, zoo and park. But god it has felt difficult at times too.
From the moment they wake up to the moment they go to sleep, there is constant noise. They talk non-stop (even the baby). They each want something different from me, and they both want it at the exact same moment. If they don’t want something from me, they want something from each other. This usually results in them screaming into the other’s face in what I assume is actually a covert attempt to see who will cry first. Usually it’s not my face they’re screaming into, but I do wonder if I will be the first to crack.
I know that I have not carved out enough time for myself. I have barely written anything this summer. I have been consumed in making sure we make the most of the summer break, whilst simultaneously wondering if I am doing a good enough job of bringing them up and being a mother. Am I making enough of this time whilst they are still at home with me and before I lose them to the education system? They are happy and so hopefully it is enough.
I feel a sense of purpose in spending a lot of time with my girls; being their primary carer and making sure they have the chance to experience new things. But I feel I have lost my own sense of purpose and my life doesn’t seem to have a clear path at the moment. This summer has shown me the importance of finding and keeping hold of your own personal identity, even when your life is consumed by the needs of two other small ones.